“Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides, and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love.  Then for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.”  Unknown

 

Is there really anything more wonderful than being in love and feeling loved by another?  What are we really seeking when we choose a partner?

 

 

We are seeking to have certain needs fulfilled

 

This occurs without our conscious awareness  

 

What if you became consciously aware of what you need in a relationship in order to feel loved, fulfilled, and secure?

    

Would your choices in partners and friendships become quite different?

Would the dynamics of your relationships change in a positive way?

 

 

The 4 Chair-legs of a Relationship:  There are 3-5 critical elements that you value and need in order for you to feel loved, supported, and secure in your relationships  

These elements are different for everyone.  They often originate in your childhood from your first perceptions of feeling loved and secure  

 

Most often we are unaware of these elements and how important they are to our sense of security and wellbeing.  For example, when you were a small child, perhaps your mother or father would sometimes tuck you in at night and kiss you on the forehead, stroke your hair, and tell you that they loved you  

These special affections made you feel blissfully warm and fuzzy, loved, and very secure.  So, as an adult, love will only be recognized when you receive physical and verbal expressions of affection  

 

Someone growing up in another family might not have received physical affection.  Perhaps your parents became divorced and your dad brought presents when he visited and that made you feel important and special

So, for you, love needs to be demonstrated by receiving gifts and being treated special.  If you don’t receive this, you won’t feel loved

A person who grew up in a dysfunctional home without feeling loved or seeing healthy demonstrations of love between family members will not have learned how to give or receive love in healthy ways.  When you don't believe your parents really loved or wanted you, how can you really believe that you are worthy of love or that anyone else can love you?

As a result, you may pick emotionally unnavailable partners or abusive relationships that mirror your childhood experiences  

 

Your value system will often incorporate your moral values.  For example, honesty might be very important to you.  Trust in the form of monogamy would therefore be paramount in importance  

But, for others trust and open honesty might need to be demonstrated in the form of allowing freedom and independence, and that might conflict with YOUR idea of trust and honesty, and therefore leave you feeling insecure  

 

Your values are highly personal and form the foundation for your personal security.  We call this your ‘4 chair legs’ because it supports the seat of your security.  When one or more of these elements is removed, it causes your security ‘chair’ to wobble and fall

 

If you recognize and are alert to your ‘4 chair legs’ you can take steps to create greater security in your relationships.  First, take some time to figure out exactly what you need in a relationship in order to feel loved and secure  

Choose the 4 most important elements.  Write them down so you have clarity 

 

Next, make a  list of the qualities or ‘gifts’ that you feel you bring into a relationship.  If you don’t understand what you conribute to your relationship, you won’t understand why someone could love you  

Are you fun, affectionate, loyal, sensitive, independent, a great cook, responsible, serious, intelligent, nurturing, adventurous?  What innate qualities do you take for granted that that someone else might appreciate and value?  

What are your personal quirks?  They might actually be endearing to someone else!

    

If you long for an honest, mature relationship, it is important to share your ‘4 chair legs’ with your potential partners, and to discover what they need in return.  In this way your relationship is more likely to succeed

The ideal time is in the first few weeks of a relationship before you have already become deeply emotionally invested.  But, even if you have been in a relationship for a while, you can do this exercise  

 

For example, you might say “This is what I need in a relationship in order to feel loved and secure.  Is this something that you can provide for me?” 

Then ask your partner to share with you.  “What do you need in order to feel loved?”  This open discussion and declaration makes it much easier to talk to your partner later on in the relationship when something happens that shakes your sense of security.  “Honey, one of my 4 chair legs is a little wobbly here.  Can we talk?”    

 

Talk about what you feel you contribute to the relationship, and ask if this is what your partner might value.  Ask your partner what he or she feels they bring into the relationship.  Is this something you might value?

 

Often we think we know what someone needs and what we want.  But when we actually talk about it, we discover we really don’t know at all! 

Someone can love you very deeply.  But, if it is not demonstrated in a way that you can recognize as love, you simply will not feel loved by this person.  If they cannot love you in the way that you need, then it is time to move on and find someone who can love you in the way that you need.  Otherwise you will always feel a sense of longing and unrequited love

 

By sharing your basic elements for security, you not only find your own pillar of balance, you also discover whether your partner can provide what you need, and whether you can satisfy your partner’s needs.  This heightened mature awareness gives you insight into what is required for enhancing and strengthening a loving relationship where both partners needs are met

 

Never enter a relationship with emotional baggage and defensiveness from a previous relationship.  You will only project this onto your partner, and that is not fair at all! 

And, for the same reason, never EVER enter a relationship with someone who isn’t completely over their ex!  You'll take the brunt of their 'baggage' and just end up becoming a 'fixer-upper' for their next partner!    

 

Clues that you aren’t over your ex:  You say derogatory things about your ex.  You feel your ex-partner is at fault.  You speak or act in a way that demonstrates anger or resentment toward your ex.  You are afraid to open up because you have been hurt

 

We offer these lovely living flower essence fusions to help heal your past relationships and allow you to become free to move on: 

 

HEARTBREAK HEAL ~ DIVORCE HEAL ~ SERENITY ~ ABANDONMENT HEAL

 

View living flower essences created to heal, support, attract, and enhance your relationships

 

#brokenhearthealing  #findinglove  #relationshiptips